Thursday, May 31, 2007

Marriage Advice

What makes a healthy marriage?

Now, not being married, you may be wondering why I feel qualified to speak on this subject, but hey - those who can't, teach - isn't that the way of it.

I figure it's all about communication - a little give here, a little take there. And something I call the 'except' list...which is kind of like the not-withstanding clause in the constitution.

Just talking with a friend about her except list...
Apparantly she gets a free pass if Ewan McGregor comes a calling (something about Scottish accents, apparantly) and he's free and clear if Jennifer Connolly happens to throw herself at him.

Now that's what I call a good deal. Of course, I would substitute in Natalie Portman.
Or maybe Liv Tyler. Heck - why not both.

Who's on your 'except' list?

Wednesday, May 30, 2007

Somebody Explain...part III

Somebody explain women to me...

What do women want? I mean, who can really figure that one out?
I think the problem is that most women don't know what they want.

I've been around for 38 years and I still don't know what makes em tick. The best I can claim is to know when I'm in trouble with one of em - when I've said something stupid, or forgotten something 'important'. Maybe I've been too accomodating, too nice. Maybe I've been not accomodating enough.
It sure would be nice to have a little pre-emptive knowledge about when this trouble was going to happen. Unfortunately, that seems beyond my meager skills. I can only go into recovery mode.

Do women expect men to understand them more than we are capable of, maybe?

I've been collecting some lyrics for a future post, and the Planet Smashers (Canada's best ska band) have some good comments on this topic...

'Half an hour a go, everything was chill. Then something changed and she got strange. Something lit a fuse, now she's in a bad mood!
Oh crap. Now I've done it. My mouth. Should have shut it. Next time. I'll nod and smile. Not get screwed. Next time she's in a bad mood'

To quote from Norm on Cheers: 'Women - can't live with em...pass the beer nuts.'

Tuesday, May 29, 2007

And one quote for the students out there

"I have never let my schooling interfere with my education."
Mark Twain

Quote of the Day

"Videogames are gateway drugs for libraries."

The Escapist -

Somebody Explain...part II

Somebody explain computers to me...

I know - I work with em all the time, but seriously - how does everything we get from computers all come from these little groups of ones and zeroes? How does what I type appear on this screen in front of me?

For that matter, I must be ignorant of 95% of the technology around me - as I'm sure are 95% of the human race.

Could you make a light bulb? Could you make a radio? Hell - I'd be hard pressed to make a pencil.

That's why I do everything I can to keep the apocalypse at bay.

Mad Max I am not.

Monday, May 28, 2007

Somebody Explain...

Somebody explain economics to me.

So prices go up every year - a chocolate bar that used to cost 25 cents now costs a dollar.
A house that used to cost 70 thousand, now is probably around 300 thousand.

At the same time, people's salaries have gone up. Unions demand and get a raise most years guaranteed in their contracts. When I was young, a salary of 30 thousand was a really good wage - someone today in the same job probably expects 6 figures.

My question is...what's the point? If we are all basically just able to buy the same amount of stuff that our parents did, if relatively, everything costs pretty much the same as it used to - then why do we bother with this whole inflation thing?

I mean - where does it end? 1000 years from now, will the joe middle clasee person be making a million dollars and spending $10 on a chocolate bar?

The sad thing is - I have a degree in Business

Saturday, May 26, 2007

What the fuck is up with hunters?

Seriously - why do some people feel a good time is to go out into the woods and kill animals?

Check this out...

Some 6th grade kid just shot and killed a huge wild boar with his revolver and now he's 'reveling' in the attention he's getting from his 'accomplishment'. This kid has been hunting since age 5! Who the fuck takes their five year old hunting?

People really piss me off some days.

A better idea is to donate some island up north to the hunters - they can all go there whenever they want and hunt each other. Probably be a bit more of a challenge for them than blasting away at some deer as it's munching on some grass.

Friday, May 25, 2007

Moving Sucks

As exciting a prospect as it is to be getting a new place and being able to set it up with all new stuff - moving out of the old place still sucks.

I spent all of last night continuing the Great Purge.

This the first move that I am seriously going over all of the crap that has been following me around and pitching it. Clothes I haven't worn in a couple months - donated. Furning that's collecting dust - out the door. Old papers that I look at once very five years, smile at, and then put back into storage - garbage!

Crickey! Why did I ever drag all this stuff along with me? Maybe it's a getting older thing. The older you get, the grumpier you get, so the more stuff starts to piss you off. Trust me - I've got a lot of stuff that's pissing me off.

I think the garbage man is going to feel the pain too. I'll probably get sued after he puts his back out chucking all this junk into the truck.
Moving really sucks, but at least I get to share the pain.

Thursday, May 24, 2007

Dating Questions

So I'm witness to a lot of first dates and I hear a lot of 'getting to know you' type questions.

Dating seems a lot like interviewing for a job.

I used to do the hiring and interviewing for a company I worked for and asking the same interview questions over and over again just became extremely tedious. People would come in and be so nervous - they would have their set, prepared responses to the standard interview questions; 'What are your strengths', 'What are your weaknesses', 'Tell me about a challenge at work you've overcome'...whatever.

You could see them not really looking at you, just kind of trying to get out this memorized statement. So every now and then we would throw in some totally random question. 'What's your favorite monty python skit?', 'Who's your favorite superhero?'. 'Tell me what you would do if you won the lottery'. Some people that were working off their memorized lists would be totally thrown for a loop and not really know what to say. Others would loosen up and start to have some fun with the interview. Those would be the people we would hire.

I tried speed dating a couple years ago (that thing were you rotate around a room and spend 5 minutes with about 12 different women over the course of the evening) and it was very much the same thing. I'd get the same questions from a lot of the women, the old 'what do you do for a living', 'what do you do in your spare time' - nothing particularly creative. So I would start throwing in a couple weirder questions just to change things up a bit.

Needless to say - I left alone and wasn't long for the speed dating thing (although the girl organizing the evening did ask me out, but that's another story)

So what's the weirdest question you've ever been asked on a date?

Wednesday, May 23, 2007


Musicmania month continues tonight. Going to see the Killers. They've never been at the top of my list of must see bands, but I must say I'm looking forward to it.

It's been a good month here in e-town, with Metric and Danny Michel last week and the Police next week.

An expensive, but good month.

Luckily for my friends, me still being single means that my extra tickets get doled out amongst them. Hmmm, maybe that's it - maybe there's some conspiracy out there - a shadowy group of my music loving friends keeping all the nice girls away from me.

Probably not, but it was worth considering.

Tuesday, May 22, 2007

Another long weekend done

The problem with long weekends is that they end.
For me, these days, two days is a long weekend, so three was some kind of freakish event.

The first day, you run around, trying to accomplish all the shit that's accumlated over the previous week - get the laundry done, clean the house, pet the plants, water the dog - and still find time to grab a bevy or two.

The second day, you start to unwind and relax. You open your eyes one at a time in the morning, looking around, blinking - hardly daring to believe that you don't have to go in to work. The rest of that day is gravy.

The third day - wow. You don't know what to do with yourself - what's this thing called 'spare time'. But it doesn't take long till you are in total enjoyment mode - sipping mojitos on the patio.

Then WHAM! Tuesday rolls around and it's like someone threw a bucket of cold water right in your face.

Alright tuesday - I'll remember this. You just made the list. I owe you one.

Friday, May 18, 2007

X marks the spot

What is it about running into an ex that weirds me out?

I was at a show last night and in the middle of the openning act, a guy sits down next to us - with my ex. There was a little awkward moment of surprised eye contact, and then my stomach starts doing flips. What's up with that? I've got no claim on her anymore.

I don't know - definately weird and slightly disturbing. She moved off after the openning band, though - and Danny Michel was awesome, so at least the rest of the night was good.

Wednesday, May 16, 2007


What is it about people in crowds that someone always thinks there's room for one more?
There were three of us at Starlight last night to see Metric and it was the most packed I've ever seen it. The interesting part was how someone always thought there would be more room and squeezed in next to us. It became a little game of defending our turf. Keep your elbows up. Bend but don't break. Eventually the interlopers slid back slightly and we were able to enjoy the rest of the concert.
Next time, I gotta pick a less popular band.

Tuesday, May 15, 2007

Blade Runner

Have you read about the disabled south african guy who is trying to make the south african olympic sprinting team.
Now this guy just goes to prove that there really is nothing so challenging in most people's lives. We have no excuse to not be doing our utmost to get what we want out of life.

Apparantly some officials are looking to change the rules to make him illegible to compete.
I loved this quote from his coaches: 'If you think having carbon-fiber legs will make you a faster sprinter, have the operation and we’ll see you at the track.'

Monday, May 14, 2007

Dating: An anthropological study

It always amazes me what a guy will say or do to attract a woman. It amazes me even more when any of our attempts actually work.
Half the fun of going to the bar these days is to observe these mating rituals in progress.
Guys will fire their 'lines' at a particular woman, and if he's unsuccessful, you can watch him turn around and use the same line on someone else.

It's the spam theory of dating. Somebody responds to those emails about Nigerian royalty trying to get their money into the country, don't they.

Online dating is even worse, guys will peruse the lists of new pictures to an online site and send out their form email. As soon as they get a response, it is really like the old 'fish on the line' analogy. It's a fight to get them off of the dating site and onto some instant messanger as soon as you can. Truly this is spam dating at its finest.

Cynical, maybe? Trouble is... us guys, I think we must be out of other ideas.

Friday, May 11, 2007

Do you speak computerese?

I thought that computers were all about 1's and 0's.

I want to know where the shades of grety come into it. Why is is that if I try the same thing, repeating all the same steps, I get different results?

Somewhere in this little metal box underneath my desk a tiny imp sits and laughs at me.
(I've tried a good stiff kick to the hard drive, but trust me...that doesn't fix things).

Anyone know a good exorcist?

Thursday, May 10, 2007


The first outdoor soccer game of the year was yesterday - a sure sign that summer is almost here.

Every year, I get tired of playing outdoor soccer come August - just in time for Indoor soccer to begin. And every year in March, I get tired of playing indoor and come May I'm ready to head back outside. It's like some kind of mobius strip.

I was a little worried about yesterday, being all out of shape and such. I seem to have wandered from the path of fitness these last couple months. But, despite feeling a little sore this morning, everything still seems to be working.

Bring on the summer! I think I've still got a few more in me.

Tuesday, May 8, 2007

The Letter 'U'

It's nationalism day here at work.
The eternal struggle between those who spell it 'colour', vs 'color'. Our editor (who happens to be american), is storming about the halls, complaining about canadians with their extra 'U's and our spelling of 'defence'.

Sadly, our games have been going out with american spelling for the last 10 years and each time, a little bit of me dies.
Even our technology has turned against us - MS Word is contantly trying to get me to get rid of my U's. Where will it end?

Don't give in to the power of the lowest common denominator! Use your 'U's.
Fight for the Queen's English. Fight for Canada!

Monday, May 7, 2007

Favourite Worst Nightmare

Mine has to be the tooth dream. Every now and then, I get it - ever since I was a kid.
It never starts out the same, but it always ends with me wiggling one or more of my teeth until they fall out.
Never a pleasent feeling, waking up checking to make sure you actually have all of your teeth left.
I probably shouldn't refer to it as a 'favourite', I guess.

Friday, May 4, 2007

Emperor of Canada?

Whenever you're feeling down on life, just remember the story of Emperor Norton, the boy who grew up to be Emperor of the United States.

The moral of the story - never get involved in a business transaction involving peruvian rice, oh wait - there are two morals to the story - the second of which is;

You can accomplish pretty much anything you want to in life if you set your mind to it - even becoming emperor.

Thursday, May 3, 2007

Inna Gadda da Vida

My name is Keith and there is a slight flaw in my character.

I have an uncany ability to fall for entirely the wrong woman. Either she'll be too young, or not interested, or already dating someone else. The problem is, none of these things seems to deter my interest. Knowing that I have this problem, you'd think that I'd be able to avoid it

I guess I just have an issue with forbidden fruit... it looks so damn tasty!

I would have done great in the garden of eden.

Wednesday, May 2, 2007

Drug time

I really can see why people take drugs. I was full of energy this morning, but I seem to have hit the 4 o'clock wall. Maybe this wouldn't normally be a big deal, but since I'm working for another 4 hours - this might be a problem.

Really, there's two ways to go. I could find a couch and try and nap-out the tiredness, or...try to wake up. The question becomes, how work-acceptable is it to be seen sacked out on a couch, dead to the world. Is that the kind of thing you can pull off? And also - do I want to let everyone catch me snoring?

What I need is some kind of work-acceptable drug. Maybe some kind of liquid made from the roasted seeds of some plant. If only...wait...maybe it's time for a coffee run.

Tuesday, May 1, 2007

The Price of Fun

What's the most that you've ever paid to get in to see a concert or an event. For me it was the $350 US I paid for Prince at New Year's. (they doubled the normal price just cause it was New Year's, damn them)
I thought I was crazy to pay that much, but wow - check this out, Barbra Streisand it doing a european tour - tickets.... $200-$1000!
$1000 fricking bucks! Are you kidding? What kind of show is worth that? Does she kick everyone else out of the arena and sing the encore just for you?
Now I've never seen Streisand or ever had any desire to, but I do have a morbid curiosity to see what kind of people will actually show up there. I shouldn't be so judgemental. I'm sure they're all very nice people who contribute regularly to charity (like a christmas gift every year for the butler).